Hiya.
My how time has flown! Two years since I last showed my face around these parts (metaphorically speaking). A lot has happened.
I’ve grown up some, though not nearly enough.
The situation in South Africa has grown much, much darker, and I have grown brighter to compensate, so barring the twice-weekly bout of depression, I do enough laughing and smiling and merry whistling for the whole of Pretoria – as I have always done. I am often happy, never more so than when I’m nose-deep in such interesting books as Nielsen and Chuang, or Shankar, but the past few years have taken their toll, and when I forget myself I’m a right miserable person. Financial situation is grim to say the least, so I have to be the absolute best physics student in the whole wide world in the hope that I’ll get admitted to one of the top US universities where funding for grad students is plentiful. And then there’s the slight problem that not many universities seem to be all that interested in quantum information, seeing as the technology catch-up game is finally coming to a close and the building of physical machines is the topmost priority for the next decade or so. So it’s – to some extent – either the top universities or nothing for me. I’m really scared. I honestly don’t know if I have what it takes. I think I’m sharp enough, but physics is above all something that takes an unbelievably large amount of practice and dedication and time. I’ve never had to work hard in my life, and I’ve never really been challenged to think in my physics education so far. Things are changing fast, and all of a sudden I feel lost. Completely and Utterly lost.
So now I’m trying to grow up fast. Trying to learn all the things that I missed out on in the mad rush to get through university too young. Learning to sit through hours of exercises a day, because confidence is a tricky thing for a physics student, and practice the only remedy. I’m also learning to love studying. It’s only in the past year that I’ve met people who genuinely care for knowledge and books and spending hours on proofs. Having good friends who are students in the true sense of the word has changed my life. But still, I’m too strange to quite fit in; I have good friends but no close ones, and when it’s just me and my stacks of textbooks and my mountains of fears and a wee bit of impostor syndrome, I feel frighteningly alone and miserable and I forget to see the beauty in learning.
Argh. I probably could have said that better. I’m tired, or more accurately, pê. I shall edit later.
In other news:
I’ve started drawing again; even trying portraits now, but only every fifth one is any good. If you ask nicely I’ll share my best attempts.
I’m also a bona fide linux boffin. I don’t suppose anyone reading really cares all that much, but to me it matters a lot. It means I say no to using Microsoft, which I truly believe to be evil. In future posts I shall try my very best to convert my audience, and any unfortunate strangers to stumble upon my blog, but for now I’ll say: That was hi, this is bye, but rest assured that I shall start posting again soon.
Cheers,
Hjalmar
Hjalmar's blog 